memories

I was looking at myself in the mirror (surprise) and realized that I have a lot of scars. I have scars from work, scars from doing stupid things, scars from the stage, emotional scars, scars from when I was a kid and from last night.

I don't hate any of them, or regret any of the actions I did to get them. They are memories that have shaped me to who I am today. For example, I have a scar on my left leg just above my shin. I was always told to avoid the scrim on stage and to always look at where I was going. Summer of Music Man (2001) final dress rehearsal and my 16th birthday, I left the stage and was about to reenter. I saw the scrim and knew it was about to come up, so I did a quick 180 to avoid it. Unfortunately I ran right into a bench and took a huge chunk out of my leg. I had to go on stage with my leg gushing blood. That scar reminds me of so much - the people and places of one of my favorite summers. It reminds me of eating pies at McDs after rehearsal, and getting my driver's license and not being able to merge into the carpool lane at 7:30 AM.

I can tell this will be a memorable year. I have several scars on my hands already and a couple more forming from things like, dropping the Crow's Nest on my thumb, or running into a wickedly sharp piece of plywood. Already I have memories, happy and sad, associated with these.

Much worse than the physical scars are the emotional scars that people have left me and I have left myself. When Todd died in 2001, that left a gash that I'll always remember. I still find myself crying when I go back to that entire day's events. I have caused emotional pain to myself and others, and that embarrasses and frustrates me but also reminds me of what I need to do.

I have no witty conclusion at my fingertips now, but as I type, I look at my hands and know what I have to do.